Stress Remedy
by Logo
Summary: (complete) Ryou has a net stalker, and Bakura is not at all impressed by it. Therefore, he tries to get revenge on the despicable creature while at the same time experiencing certain... THOUGHTS involving Ryou. BakuraRyou yaoi.
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: Yu-Gi-Oh is not mine. It's Kazuki Takahashi's. Leave me alone.

Notes: Kiwi here. I'm reuploading this for Logo because it got reported and her computer's completely dead so she can't do it herself. I think I have up to chapter 6 or 7 on my computer, from there they might've been lost... so if they are lost, please don't get mad, it's not Logo's fault (or mine, for that matter) it's her computer's, and I don't think she's likely to retype any of it.

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STRESS REMEDY  
By Laura G  
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Even the quietest of people can get pissed. I watched, amazed, as Ryou typed 'fuck you' into the IM window. I'd never seen him look so angry before. Angry Ryou is disturbing. And sexy. Ooh, yes, sexiness is stunning.  
  
"She'd probably like that," I commented. He is completely unsurprised by my comment - after all, we've known each other for... a few years, probably. I lose track of time, I mean, I'm over five thousand years old! I think. We didn't have that sort of calendar back then. If we had it'd be kind of fascinating. I mean, if it was 3000 BC, talk about psychic. Predicting the birth of Jesus Christ that much earlier? Speaking of Jesus Christ, who exactly was he, anyway? Some kind of early rock star or something? He sure was famous.  
  
Ryou wouldn't respond, but I noticed that his friend's status had switched to 'blocked'. Ryou's never blocked anyone before. This is an interesting event. And I need alcohol. Ah, screw it, I'll just wait and find out what's going on. Ryou is acting way out of character. What the fuck's going through that guy's head?  
  
"Bitch," Ryou growled. Yeeup, he's still acting weird.  
  
"The hell's wrong with you?" I demanded. I know I sounded pretty harsh, harsher than I meant to be. I thought for a moment that I'd scare him, but he whirled around to face me. I'd never seen him look so furious. He looked so much like me then! Not the usual effeminate face I was used to seeing.  
  
"Do you really want to know?" he snapped. I was going to answer, but he continued anyway, still absolutely furious. He's in a ranting mood. That's not too good. "Remember that host I got for my website? She's an evil bitch, and I want nothing to do with her. That's what. I'm gonna have to move back to Tripod now, I'm not putting up with her!"  
  
What? Oh yes, I remember. Just before Christmas (again with the Christ stuff? Is it pronounced 'kraist' or 'krist'? People can't make up their minds!), Ryou got a new host for his website. Yes, you heard me, Hikari here has his own website. He draws and puts his pictures on there. He draws 'furry', which results in a lot of people mocking him. He doesn't care about mockery. Not that I'm surprised, the people who do the mocking are complete and total fucktards. Have you seen their sense of logic? Even I, the psychotic sadistic future-ruler-of-the-world, am able to see sense... to a certain degree. These people deserve to be mutilated and have decorative jewellery carved out of their spines. Anyway, back to his web host. Person. Thing.  
  
"What's she done?" I want to know. I know my eye's twitching. When my eye twitches it vibrates the rest of my head, and I can hear a weird noise. Sorta like 'rrrrrrrrrr'. Maybe I should lay off the caffeine. My eye always twitches like mad after too much caffeine. Wait, did I have any last night? No, I think I stole Ryou's dad's beer instead... weird...  
  
"Well... she asked me out, remember?" I nodded. My eye was twitching even more. I can't see properly. Damn.  
  
"You refused. Didn't you?"  
  
"Of course I did! Why the hell would I go out with someone I'd just met? And internet relationships nearly always come out bad! I know this one person on a forum, he thought he had a wonderful girlfriend for ages and ages! Guess what? She turned out to be a guy!" He typed out a web address and went to another site. Hmm, LiveJournal. It's some kind of diary thing. Except not so secret. And he gets to know what's going on in the lives of others. Isn't it fascinating? Note my sarcasm.   
  
"Absolutely wonderful," I comment. Yes. More sarcasm. I think it's quite definitely the greatest thing in all creation. Apart from Ryou. Nothing can be greater than Ryou. If anyone tells him I said so, that person will ALSO be added to my collection of human bone jewellery. A necklace made out of toe bones would be nice. I could give it to Marik for his birthday. Marik could also go on my list of greatest things in all creation. That boy is fucking hot! I don't know why I like Ryou more, maybe it's because he's so weak. Shame he's not gay. Unfortunately for yours truly, Marik's taken. I'd kill his boyfriend if he wouldn't kill me first. It's not fair, I'M supposed to be the psychopath!   
  
"I'm assuming there's a point somewhere."  
  
"Well, I found out she's been going around hitting on loads of artist guys, and she's still insisting on chasing me around on the net, like some kind of deranged cyber-mongrel. She's whining that she loves me."  
  
Hmm... stalker girl. This is new.  
  
My eye is still twitching. Oh yes, I already want to kill. Besides the fact I like to see blood (Ryou swears I must be a new species of vampire), she's stalking what is MINE! And he doesn't WANT to be stalked! Isn't stalking illegal anyway? Capital punishment, yay.  
  
I must have spaced out or something. Ryou's looking at me with a weird expression on his (adorable) face.  
  
"How did you find out?" I asked. Not that I'm interested, just insanely bored. Insanely bored is a fantastic term.  
  
"She was hitting on Yugi," was Ryou's response. I'm stood there thinking that the girl must be an absolute lunatic. One, Yugi's taken (he's with the Pharaoh, there's a surprise - am I the only yami who's not in a relationship with their aibou?). Two, he's openly gay. Three, he's a short-ass git who looks half his age. If it was Yami she was hitting on I could understand - as much as I hate to admit it, the Pharaoh's actually quite sexy - but YUGI?! And Ryou thinks I need MY head examined. "I have to go meet him in a few minutes," Ryou added. Oh yes, he was supposed to be going out with Yugi, Yami, Joey and... people. Damn, I suck with names. Oh yeah, Tristan and Tea. What kind of name is Tea? It's a drink, not a name! I think her parents must have wanted a boy.  
  
"What're you doing then?" I wonder. I always had to ask this. They usually did completely random stuff. Last time they went on a six mile walk in the countryside. It was minus five degrees out there. Ryou got sick. I got an excuse to snuggle, but I don't like to see my hikari get sick.  
  
"We're going on a magical mystical quest to find a place that sells paninis," Ryou replied. Ah, yes, the almighty paninis. I have never tried one. Ryou assures me they're the greatest kind of food in the universe, but he can never find a place that sells them. I was put off by the way he first described them as Italian toasted sandwiches. Joey's description, 'like pizza only better', was a lot more appealing.  
  
"Well, have fun," I said, shrugging. I sounded like I didn't care. I know it. I don't care if I sounded like I didn't care because if I did care that I sounded like I didn't care I would apologise and Ryou would probably think I was ill because I cared about not caring. Hang on, would I get snuggled if he thought I was ill? Hey, just a thought!  
  
"I'm not going yet," Ryou sighed. He looked at his Friends page on LJ. Naturally, I read over his shoulder. Yugi's rambling on about sex. Lucky bastard. I want sex.  
  
Yugi's not as innocent as he makes out he is. Do you realise that it's usually him that's dominant? I think it's a shame he doesn't go into more detail. I'd have fun reading that. Plus, I could tease Yami.   
  
Hey, that entry was made two minutes ago!  
  
Ah, stalker girl is on Ryou's friends list. She posted... a conversation with her mother. And she's going on about how she's always getting abandoned by those she thought were her friends. And that her world's 'going up the crapper' as she says. Hmmm... I was under the impression that she was the one who was acting like an obsessive madma... uh, woman. You do not hurt my Ryou, emotionally or physically. Those who do shall suffer painfully. I will shove a turnip down your neck and make you choke.  
  
Turnips have a fascinating shape. I mentioned Ryou's a furry artist, yeah? One of his characters has a turnip fetish. You should see some of the RPs. There was one incident where the turnip was the guy's girlfriend, and someone ate it. I thought my mind was twisted. Ryou's is just downright weird.  
  
Ryou posts a response. He told her what her crimes are. I see a flame-war waiting to happen. Ryou's LiveJournal escapades are more fun than anything on the television. You shoulda seen the time he said he was interested in someone who was NOT stalker-girl, and that he thought stalker-girl was nice and friendly and all but not potential girlfriend material. Stalker-girl was not happy. Neither was Mai, who had been dragged into the whole thing because stalker-girl thought she 'knew something'. Stalker-girl was under the impression that Ryou showed her no affection and wanted Mai to tell her why. Stalker-girl's weird. Ryou's been really nice to her (then again, Ryou's nice to everyone). Much more than she deserves. My eye twitches furiously. This is annoying. Isn't there some kind of anti-eye-twitch drug?  
  
"I'm going now," Ryou informs me, grabbing his coat. "Don't break the computer." I'l be honest - my first encounter with the computer had less-than-desirable results. I don't think Ryou can afford another new one. Thankfully, I understand it (somewhat) now.  
  
Ryou opens the front door. It's cold out there! "Seeya," he calls, and leaves. Typically, I don't reply. I don't even grunt.  
  
I'm FINALLY able to sit down. Normally I'd spend about five minutes entertaining myself spinning in the chair. It's a childish and undignified habit. You do NOT tell Ryou about it.  
  
Today, however, I have better ideas. Stalker-girl needs to be taught a lesson. Now, this ought to be fun. I don't know how I'm going to do it though.  
  
Something Ryou said earlier comes to my mind. It's unfortunate that nobody's around to see my evil smirk. I laugh... well, actually it's more of a chuckle. There's no point in making my laugh maniacal when there's no one around to hear.  
  
Except for Lucky, who has just jumped onto my lap. He's lucky he's a cat. I like cats. Since I'm Egyptian, that's hardly a surprise. I stroke Lucky.  
  
"Stalker-girl is gonna pay!" I snicker. This is going to be fun!  
  
I copy and paste stalker-girl's IM address (Ryou uses MSN, what fun), then sign out and go into my own account. Ryou set it up. I hardly ever use it. I just use his. Everyone notices it's me really easily. I can't type to save my life.  
  
I add stalker-girl to my contacts list. A window pops up.  
  
"Hi, who are you?"  
  
I think. I try to think of a name that could easily be male or female. I struggle, then decide to go with a net alias. Yami something. Yami... Bakura? No, no, no! She'd instantly make the connection! Yami Hikari. That'd be okay, I guess. Sure, Hikari's a girl's name, but Yami balances it out. No, wait, I'll call myself Hikari Yami. That way it'd sound more male. That's what I'm trying to go for here. Do you get where I'm going with this?  
  
"Hkari Yammi" I type. I told you I couldn't type. This was going to be amusing.  
  
I decided to speak with Ryou through our mind link.  
  
//"Hey, Ryou..."//  
  
/"Yami? What do you want?"/  
  
//"I'm having... FUN with your computer."//  
  
/"Please tell me you're not having cybersex."/  
  
//"What? Of course I'm not. This is much more fun than that."//  
  
/"I'm only slightly less worried."/  
  
//"Oh trust me, you'll love me when you get back."//  
  
I cut off the link. He will love me. Maybe not in the sense that I really want him to, but hey, I'm sticking up for him here! Even if I AM only doing it for the amusement factor.  
  
Stalker-girl will wish she'd never heard of Ryou Bakura.


	2. Chapter 2

KIWI'S NOTES: Uhm... oops? *forgot to continue updating* Oh, and people, please stop reporting L-chan's fics for things they haven't done. She now has no fics at all that haven't been deleted at least once.  
  
YGO is © to Kazuki Takahashi.  
  
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STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
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Now, this girl gets to her point fast. We have a quick discussion regarding online furry art. I mention that my favourite artist is Ryou Bakura. Are you surprised? Considering he and Yugi are the only two furry artists I know of... well, at least I didn't make it sound like I knew him personally. That would ruin the fun.  
  
"I'm feeling really depressed right now."  
  
Mmm... I think Ryou said she was always acting depressed. I ask her why.  
  
Oh wow, her long-time boyfriend's just cruelly ditched her for no real reason. She tells me it's Soda. Yes, that's Ryou's net alias.   
  
I've already decided that the girl's more of an idiot than I originally thought.  
  
I now know her name. Or at least her surname. Llewellyn. Think there's enough 'L's in there? She's still stalker-girl to me.  
  
She's already asked me if I'm single. I told her I was single and looking. And I am. Single and looking at the image of aroused Ryou in my greatest fantasies. Handcuffed to a bed. In a very suggestive position. Wearing a skirt. With no underwear. I wish it wasn't a fantasy. I wonder how Ryou would react to it?  
  
A little box pops up in the corner of the screen. Unsolvable has just signed in. I recognise that screen-name. What's Yugi doing? I thought he was going out.  
  
Just as I'm about to ask him what he's doing, he asks me that same question. I inform him that he really doesn't want to know. Hah, he's been talking to Ryou, I know it. How do I know? He thinks I'm having cybersex. I wouldn't mind the real thing right now. As long as it was Ryou. Or Marik. Ooh, threesome. Insert new erotic fantasy here. And yes, Ryou's still handcuffed to the bed and wearing a skirt.  
  
It appears that Joey hadn't turned up at Yugi's yet so they were waiting. I decided to ask Yugi if he had fun with Yami. And also take the chance to ask him if he ever intended to be submissive for once. Yami steals the keyboard. He's as bad at typing as me. It took three attempts to read it before I understood what he was saying. We both need translators. Oh well, at least I'VE managed to master the function of the shift key.  
  
"wht teh hell r u tlking about/"  
  
Oh, has Yugi been lying?  
  
Considering the fact that Yami proceeds to inform me that they'd never fucked, I doubt it. I didn't know Yami could get embarrassed and defensive over something as simple as that. I see a window of opportunity opening just for me.  
  
Stalker-girl asks me if I wear a thong.  
  
Why do I have the sudden urge to repeatedly bang my head on the desk? I respond with a 'maybe' and a winking smily face. Hey, I'm trying to deceive her here! And in case you're wondering, I don't wear any underwear. Least of all a thong.  
  
In my strange erotic fantasy, Marik is now completely naked with the exception of a thong. Why doesn't Ryou have the thong? Because it wouldn't look... right. Technically, neither does the skirt, but...  
  
The windows don't blink at me for a while. Uh... I mean the windows on the computer, you know, they blink when you get a new message... I entertain myself by wondering how many guys could fuck each other at once. And how a chihuahua could kill an alsatian.  
  
Ryou asks me strange questions like that. I usually get AN answer... eventually. I need to come up with one of those. In a fight between a chihuahua and an alsatian, the chihuahua wins. How?   
  
Does flame-retardant mean a retard on fire or an object that can't catch fire? How do you catch fire? Doesn't it burn your hands?  
  
Hey, I know! The chihuahua could kill the alsatian by getting stuck in its throat! I check if Yugi's still on. He is. I tell him to relay the answer to Ryou.  
  
Oh, surprise surprise, Ryou's the one at the computer. He wants to know what I'm doing. I tell him he'll find out soon enough, and spin in the chair. Lucky does not like it. His little hooks are digging into my leg. Ow?  
  
Stalker-girl is amusing. She's saying stuff like 'he's only ditching me so he can go out with this other girl' and that his claims are over exaggerated. Considering she was hitting on one of Ryou's best friends, in addition to several other people Ryou knows online, I doubt that's true. I resist the urge to tell her so. This girl has a problem. She won't admit it.  
  
Instead of biting her head off (which I really, REALLY wanted to do), I pretend to pity her and sympathise with her.  
  
I ask Ryou to link me to stalker-girl's LJ. He wants to know why... I wonder if he's suspicious? I refuse to tell him but I get my hands on it anyway. Clicky clicky.  
  
OH. MY. RA.  
  
Reading over all this crap makes me want to find something to destroy. Other than the cat, because I love the poor creature (even if he does occasionally deposit enormous, dead rats at my feet and expect me to eat it for breakfast). I wish we had fish or a rodent or something. We don't have a rabbit. Ryou says they're vicious and evil. Does that make ME a rabbit? Yay, I'm a cute little bunny! Oh fuck it.  
  
That sounded wrong. Do I care? No.  
  
Yugi and company leave on their 'magical mystical quest' for paninis. Yes, Joey finally showed. I'm left alone with stalker-girl. Now I can focus on my revenge.  
  
This girl's behaviour is laughable. She's telling me that she's had so many people who've 'trodden' on her, people that she 'thought were her friends'. She's acting completely stupid over the whole thing! Must resist urge to tell her it's her fault anyway, or plan will be ruined.  
  
She's already hitting on me. Aww, how sweet, she's going on about how she likes me. This is the first time I've spoken to her. I must be doing a really good job at pretending to be nice.  
  
And now she's trying to gain my sympathy. Again. My eye twitches. I haven't noticed it twitching for quite a while. I thought my twitch had gone.  
  
Something people really should know: I am the most unsympathetic person on this planet. Unless you happen to be either Ryou or a cat, you can not honestly expect me to sympathise with you.  
  
Now, remember, this is the girl who posted a conversation with her mother in her journal in defence of Ryou telling her to fuck off.   
  
Don't you think it's rather strange that now I'm being told that her mother used and abused her, beat her, crushed her, physically and emotionally damaged her? That her mother is evil, and although they get on 'okay' now, she still hates her?  
  
That sounds beyond odd, in my honest opinion.  
  
She also tells me something I know she told Ryou about two months ago. That she just this morning found out that her friend was dying. Apparently, she told Yugi that as well, last week. I wonder if I should mention Yugi? No, that would blow my cover.  
  
She must go through a lot of dying friends. It's a surprise she has any left.  
  
More eye-twitchiness. This time, it's my other eye that's going. My left one. Well, at least it's a change.  
  
Lucky moves. He's on his back, in between my legs, his head hanging off the edge of the seat. Ryou has repeatedly informed me that this animal is stupid. In this position, he certainly looks that. I don't think cats are supposed to lie like that. And in this particular position, it certainly makes one of us look like a sick and twisted pervert. I blame the cat. He put himself there.  
  
Both of my eyes twitch simultaneously. I'm feeling kind of tired.   
  
I consider signing off and going back to the Ring. I don't really want to go back into my Millennium Ring though. I inform stalker-girl that I'm leaving, switch my status to 'away', and save a copy of the conversation. I then decide to get some rest on the sofa.  
  
I think I must have fallen asleep, because I awake to find Lucky curled up on my lap and Ryou waving a tiny tub of ice cream and a spoon under my nose. He's still wearing his coat.  
  
"Hey, Bakura! Earth to Bakura! Dude, we got yeh some ice cream," Joey informs me. Really? And there was me thinking Ryou was waving it in front of my face because it was for Yugi...  
  
It looks like we've got company. Much to my relief, we're missing Tristan and Tea. Unfortunately, we're also missing Marik.  
  
My right eye is twitching AGAIN! I vow to one day find a cure for this evil twitch. Well, I'll force someone else to do it for me at knife-point, but you get the idea. I take the ice cream, and the spoon.  
  
"Nnks," I mumble. I have this problem - I can't speak properly when I've just woken up. It's almost as annoying as MY RA-DAMNED TWITCHY EYE!  
  
"So, what exactly were you up to on the net then?" Yugi asks. I grin. I can't help it. Everyone looks nervous.  
  
Am I THAT scary when I grin?  
  
"I think it might be better if you didn't tell us, Tomb Robber," the Pharaoh says. I do NOT like his tone. "The sick and twisted things that go through your head wouldn't exactly be appropriate for certain minds here."   
  
"Come on, we know Yugi's not that innocent," I respond. I couldn't help it. "You just don't want everyone to know that Yugi fucked you. Several times." The expression on Yami's face is absolutely priceless. I don't think I've seen ANYONE go that red.  
  
"I don't know where you get those ideas from!" Yami yells. He doesn't realise that everyone else here knows anyway, thanks to Yugi's LiveJournal. I can hear Ryou snickering.  
  
"I have my sources," I inform him. "Right Yugi?" Wow, I didn't know that boy had mastered an evil smirk. It seems I now have a rival in that department.  
  
Yami's staring at Yugi in shock. Yugi smirks. Yugi... is... smirking. I thought angry Ryou was disturbing. This is even more so. I think I'll just eat my ice cream now.  
  
"By the way, you got the answer right," Ryou tells me. "The chihuahua DOES get stuck in the alsatian's throat."  
  
END OF PART 2  
  
Coming up... (in part 3, that is)  
  
Bakura carries out the next stage of his plan. Stalker-girl undergoes an identity crisis. Bakura realises that his job is going to be a lot harder than he thought. HAS THIS GIRL NO CONSCIENCE?! 


	3. Chapter 3

KIWI'S NOTES: I'm going to upload as many chapters of this fic as I have on my computer, right now. So that it's here. I think I'm missing chapters 8 and 10.  
  
YGO is © to Kazuki Takahashi.  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
-------------  
  
I can't help but wonder why Ryou can never seem to walk properly in the morning. I also can't help but wonder why he wanders around the house wearing nothing but an oversized green shirt. It's practically screaming an invitation! He is SO lucky I have a sense of control over myself.  
  
Guess who I'm talking to on MSN? Uh-huh, yeah, stalker-girl. Surprised? I think not.  
  
Not much entertainment so far. Nope, she's just repeated most of the stuff she said yesterday. With extra I love yous and aishiterus. I think she's trying to make absolutely sure I get the picture. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate repetitiveness? This is getting boring.  
  
Ryou's in the kitchen, making coffee. Typical.  
  
Ryou's a late riser. It's nearly two in the afternoon. I wonder if I should tell him that Yami and Yugi are supposed to be here in about ten minutes? Nah, I'll just watch his face go red when they get here and he's still half naked.  
  
DAMMIT! He just went to get dressed! What is he, a mind-reader?!  
  
I REALLY want stalker-girl to hurry up and ask me out. That way I can humiliate her and be done with it! I bet you've guessed my plan by now. You must have. If you haven't, well, I don't care. I just want to do it already.  
  
She's taking her time responding. I just drift into another one of my fantasies. Ryou tied up. On a bed of... not rose petals, that's what everyone thinks of. TULIPS! Orange tulips! Blood falling down cuts on his face, tears, begging me to... yes, I'm sadistic, psychotic, AND masochistic. Aren't I just the picture of ideal mental health?  
  
I'm fully enjoying the image in my head, when the doorbell drags me out of it. That has to be the Pharaoh and his Hikari. I am going to kill them. Decapitation sounds good.  
  
"BAKURA! Get the door!" Ryou yells. I groan and do as told. Yep, the Pharaoh and his hikari twerp. Yugi is so short he hardly needs to look down to notice the embarrassing bulge in my rather tight jeans.  
  
"Are you happy to see us or something?" he asks. Yes, I AM going to kill him. The Pharaoh is giggling like mad. His face is slightly reddish.   
  
WHY THE FUCK IS HE GIGGLING?!  
  
Yugi elbows him in the side. "Don't worry, Yami just managed to find a whole two litre bottle of Pepsi Max." Translation: Yami is caffeine-high. Let me tell you something. There are VERY few things that can scare me. A hyper Yami Yugi is one of them.  
  
"Right..." I respond, and let them come in, closing the door behind them.  
  
"Where's Ryou?" Yami asks.  
  
"Upstairs. Getting dressed."  
  
"Ah. Or is he..." He's giggling even harder! Oh Ra... someone has to do something with this guy. I can't take the giggling! Yugi elbows him again.  
  
"Quiet!" he orders. Yugi doesn't normally order people around. Except maybe in bed, but I don't know his sex habits - maybe Yami begs him or something? Maybe YAMI is the sex-obsessed one! Hmm... actually, probably not. Anyway, under THESE circumstances, I don't blame Yugi for being bossy. Guess whose eye is twitching again? Yeeup. Mine.  
  
I think I'll just go back to the computer.  
  
Stalker-girl's upset because apparently I'm not talking to her. She's wailing that I don't love her. It's a very true statement, I'll give her that. But this is an act of stupidity I can not ignore. I tell her that people shouldn't get mad about it when someone goes to answer the door.  
  
What happens next?  
  
I shout "OH MY RA!" really loud, drawing attention from a certain two spiky-haired individuals who are currently making out on the sofa.  
  
"Geez, we were just kissing!" Yugi complains. "It's not like we were..."  
  
"Nonononono!" Yami practically squeals, pouncing onto Yugi and covering his mouth. And yes, this action is followed by even MORE giggling from the Pharaoh. If he wasn't already dead, I'd kill him right now.   
  
"What are you yelling at?" Ryou wants to know, finally getting back downstairs. I really REALLY wish he'd wear something TIGHT for once. What is it with him and comfy-yet-hideous clothing anyway?  
  
I take that back. His dress sense HAS improved somewhat. At least, it's better than it was in the Duelist Kingdom. I think he's had enough with the light colours. He's wearing dark khaki, baggy cargo pants, and a black sweater. Which leaves absolutely EVERYTHING to the imagination. Damn him.  
  
He's staring at me curiously. Yami and Yugi have gone back to making out.  
  
"It doesn't matter," I tell him. His suspicious expression is... put it this way - it does NOT help the bulge in my pants. He doesn't believe me. I wonder why?  
  
"Fine," Ryou shrugs. "Yugi, I need a little help in the kitchen."  
  
"Okay," Yugi responds, breaking away from an annoyed Yami. Yami is glaring evilly at Ryou, as the two hikaris go into the kitchen.  
  
"So what ARE you doing?" Yami inquires, leaning over the back of the sofa to see the computer screen. He scans over the conversation, and his giggles get worse. "Who the hell are you talking to on there?" Seems like I'm not the only one who's amused by this.  
  
"An evil psycho-bitch."  
  
"And what exactly makes her an evil psycho-bitch?" Yami giggles. "Just looks like an idiot to me!"  
  
"Yeah, she's that too," I shrug. "Basically, she's been hitting on loads and loads of artist guys. INCLUDING Ryou and Yugi." Yami is still giggling. I need something I can stuff in his mouth. Desperately.  
  
Yami goes to grab another chair, and sits next to me. Feel sorry for me, all of you. I'm stuck sat next to a hyper, giggling, annoying, idiotic pharaoh. Death can not get much worse than this.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Watching your conversation. If she screams you don't love her when you put her in the collective 'people', it'll be fun to see her reaction when you say you're gay." I must look pretty confused, because Yami continues. "Well, you must have SOMETHING you're gonna say!" Hmph, so he DOESN'T know I'm gay. For a moment there I was actually going to commend him for noticing.  
  
"I do. I'm waiting for her to ask me out so I can do it."  
  
"Judging from the fact she says she loves you every other line, I'd say that should happen pretty soon." Oh thank Ra. He's not giggling. And guess whose eye is NOT twitching? YAY!  
  
"Let's hope."  
  
"Now honestly Bakura, you show her no affection at all," Yami responded, as the stalker-girl tells me the exact same thing. He bursts out into uncontrollable giggles. That's IT, I'm going to rip out his vocal cords! It wasn't even that FUNNY!  
  
Well, it is EXTREMELY amusing when Yami stops giggling and starts shouting in pain. He's shaking his leg, trying to get the black fuzzball that's now attached to it off. Remind me to give Lucky some PROPER food tonight.  
  
"GET THIS CAT OFF ME!" Yami yells. Hahah, I can see his eyes watering over. I can't help but laugh. Both Ryou and Yugi come running in.  
  
"Yami, hold still!" Ryou tells him, coming over and grabbing Lucky. I feel sorry for the poor cat. I can only IMAGINE what that Pharaoh must have tasted like.  
  
"Your cat is evil!" Yami whimpers. Of course, being from Ancient Egypt, he doesn't go much further than that. Ryou tells him to go into the kitchen. Once again, I am left alone with stalker-girl.  
  
I tell her that she's over-reacting. Fair enough. Next thing she says is what I've been waiting for.  
  
"Will you, um, go out with me?"  
  
Bwahaa! It's about TIME!  
  
"sry Im not a lesbain"  
  
Curse my crap typing skills. Oh well. It's a very true, yet very misleading statement. I have deliberately avoided anything that would say I was a boy or a girl JUST so I could say that.   
  
She SHOULD have thought she'd been flirting with a girl. That's the whole point of me saying it. But oh no, she had to turn things around.  
  
"Why would you need to be? It's not like I'm a girl or anything."  
  
I have no idea how to respond. This... well, stalker-THING, has a seriously screwed up mind. It's already just about confirmed to me that it is female. Now it's indecisive.  
  
I think Ryou's been friends with a person who has a serious identity crisis.  
  
I'm about to respond, when Yami, Yugi and Ryou come back from the kitchen. Yami doesn't even have a mark from where the cat attacked him. Must've used the Millennium Puzzle to heal himself or something... well, he IS a spirit.  
  
"I need to go to get some extra food for the party," I'm told, by Ryou. What party? Oh yeah, the party they arranged last night while I was half-asleep. That little get-together-and-watch-loadsa-movies party. With added food. "You three should be okay staying here. I'll be about an hour at the most."  
  
I'm being left alone with a sex-crazed midget and a caffeine-high pharaoh who wants revenge for me embarrassing him and the cat attacking him?  
  
Why do I NOT like this situation?  
  
END OF PART 3  
  
Should I put in a lemon next chappie? Lemon lemon? Yami/Yugi/Bakura threesome? Hm? 


	4. Chapter 4

YGO is © to Kazuki Takahashi  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
-------------  
  
Much to my relief, Yugi and Yami have gone back to making out. They seem to do that a lot. So far, Yami's not even mentioned the embarrassment from last night, OR the cat's attack on him earlier.  
  
Lucky IS a vicious animal, ESPECIALLY at this time of year. This is the time of year he gets with other cats and creates little cats. I don't have a very active sex life. I haven't had a good fuck in about five thousand years. I'm jealous of the cat. Admittedly, I don't think I'd go fuck a cat, but there are humans around. I COULD go for rape... but it's not as much fun.  
  
Not that I don't LIKE to be violently dominant. Last night I just so happened to have a VERY nice dream. Involving me, Ryou, a whip, and loads of leather belts. I think I'll just fantasise about that...  
  
I can't help but wonder if anyone else has random thoughts. Watching those two, I ended up with a very bizarre image in my head, where the kissing went wrong and Yami actually sucked Yugi in. Yugi was clearly made out of jelly or something. The lack of skeletal structure in my vision was disturbing.  
  
No no no no no - MUST get scary image out of head. OUT! BAD scary image! Back to Ryou. And whips. And belts. Hmm, maybe I'll add some strawberries and cream there. Let's bring in a certain sexy Egyptian as well. Mwahah... I really should stop having these daydreams. It results in embarrassing situations.  
  
"What are YOU looking so happy about, Tomb Robber?" Great, thanks Yami, just knock me out of my daydream. Marik was JUST removing his clothes, too, but oh well, let's all allow the Pharaoh to come rudely destroying a very pleasant fantasy.   
  
"Does it matter?" I demand. Naturally, I make no attempt to hide my anger there. He's grinning. Must... not... kill... not that I even can.  
  
"Well, you seem to have a little problem," he points out. Needless to say, he noticed the newly developed bulge in my pants.  
  
"SHIT!" I yelp. Yami bursts out laughing. Not again. "If Yugi EVER lets you anywhere NEAR caffeine ever again, I will KILL HIM!" Yugi's laughing too. I try to think of a unique way of mutilating their bodies. Maybe I can mush up their eyeballs and mix them with the cat's food?  
  
"Do you need a little help?" Yugi asks. He's got that demented smirk on again. Help? Oh shit, he doesn't mean...  
  
Judging from the annoyed expression on Yami's face, I assume he DOES!  
  
"Yugi," Yami begins, in a warning tone. A glare sharper than the pointy end of the Millennium Rod combined with that tone of voice results in a pouty Yugi. With the puppy eyes.  
  
Luckily for me, I am resistant to the puppy-eyes.  
  
"I'm going to the bathroom," I growl. And that's exactly where I go, to engage in certain activities I DON'T want to share. Although it does involve some very nice imagery in my head.  
  
It doesn't take particularly long to rid myself of my, uh, embarrassment. However, just before I was about to go downstairs again, I heard several noises that could ONLY be linked to one thing: disaster. I race down the stairs and find Yami and Yugi.  
  
"YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE HURT MY CAT!!" I yell. Animal in question is hiding in the corner of the room.  
  
Now, I have to admit this is entertaining. Apparently, Yami went to get a drink, tripped over the cat, got bitten (again), grabbed the curtain to support himself, and ultimately yanked the curtain rail out of the wall, causing it to land on his head. Even Yami's laughing at this, and he's the victim of the whole event.  
  
"Come on, help me get this rail back up," Yami giggles.  
  
"No point," I respond. "Leave it." Yami looks doubtful. Do I take note of doubtful expression? Nope, I inform him I'm going back on the computer.  
  
I'm still logged in. Ah well. I send a message to stalker-thing.   
  
"I can't believe you thought I was a girl."  
  
Well, I can. Everything it's said before says 'this is a girl'. ESPECIALLY when last night, it said Ryou ditched it to go out with 'another GIRL'.  
  
Eye twitchy, eye twitchy...  
  
"What're you doing?" Yugi asks.  
  
"Wondering how many fucktards live on this planet."  
  
The pharaoh comes back in, having finally managed to get himself a drink. "Are you talking to that girl again?"  
  
"Yes. I've discovered that she is not a she, she is an it with an identity crisis."  
  
"Is that the girl who's been trying to get me and Ryou to go out with her?" Yugi wants to know.   
  
"Yeeup."  
  
That's a thought. I ask stalker-thing about Ryou. If stalker-thing is gay, basically.  
  
"What are you talking about? Ryou is a girl, you know."  
  
Ouch. That hurts. I just slammed my face into the desk. AND I'm regretting it. Yami and Yugi have both burst out laughing.  
  
"Ask about me!" Yugi tells me. I do so.  
  
"Um, why are you asking me? Look, I'm NOT GAY! These people are girls!"  
  
"Okay, this is ridiculous!" Yami laughs. Yugi's trying to grab at the keyboard. I whack his hand. This keyboard is MINE! Not for creepy, sex-crazed, undersized weirdos!  
  
It's round about then that the door opens. I tell stalker-thing that I'll be back later, and close the window down.  
  
"Not a word about this to Ryou," I snarl. They both nod. But they're nodding in agreement. DAMN! They're supposed to be nodding in FEAR! I need to work on my snarling.  
  
"Well well, Marik, never thought I'd see you in a job that doesn't involve killing anything," is the first thing the Pharaoh says. Marik?  
  
MARIK'S HERE!   
  
... and for some reason, he's wearing a co-op uniform.  
  
"We met up at the co-op," Ryou explained. "His shift just ended, so he helped me carry all the stuff back."  
  
I can't get this. Marik, the beyond-sexy, homicidal psychopath, is working at the CO-OP?! Well, I suppose he has to get money SOMEHOW, but... the CO-OP?!  
  
Not to mention, that aqua and white striped shirt does NOT look right. Thankfully, I can see he has his normal clothes in a carrier bag.  
  
"I'm going to get changed," Marik tells us. He doesn't sound too happy. I think it's because Yami's laughing at him. Suspicion is confirmed when he shoots a murderous glare at said caffeine-high Pharaoh.  
  
As Marik heads to the bathroom (I DID remember to clean up my little mess, didn't I? Oh shit!) Ryou gets us to help him take the bags into the kitchen  
  
"Hmm? Hey! WHO BROKE THE CURTAINS?!"  
  
END OF PART 4  
  
Yes, short, I know. But at LEAST I got in my OTHER fave psycho. I like crazy OOCness. 


	5. Chapter 5

KIWI'S NOTES: I can smell chilli...  
  
NOTE: Omochao is pronounced oh-mo-chow. NOT oh-mo-kay-oh. Omochao and Sonic are copyright to Sonic Team. The GameCube is Nintendo's.  
  
(Kiwi: And it was 'Ame Tenshi' of TeamARTAIL who came up with that Omochao line... it was slightly different though. Bwahaha... nummy Omochao...)  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
-------------  
  
I think Ryou's just about given up trying to fix the curtains. But I noticed he DID bother to hide the Pepsi Max. Hold on, there's other bottles here... how exactly did Ryou manage to buy alcohol? Oh yes, of course. MARIK'S A FUCKING CASHIER!  
  
I STILL can't get over that. Ryou, however, has decided to take the piss out of the nametag, which says 'I'm here to help you' in happy yellow writing. He's now given Marik the nickname of 'Omochao', from one of the games on his GameCube. Omochao is annoying.  
  
Yugi once drew a pic of it. It said 'Trai za Omochao, ees daleeshuss'. I wonder if Marik is... I wonder if RYOU is! One day I WILL find out!  
  
Marik, the wonderful and amazing crazy Egyptian psycho came downstairs a couple of minutes ago. He's helping with the snacks. I, on the other hand, am not. I can't help it! The Pringle addiction must be fed!  
  
Marik looks like shit right now. He also sounds like shit and feels like shit. I think he's got a cold.  
  
Ryou asks him if he's okay.  
  
"AM I OKAY?! Of COURSE I'm not fucking okay! I got a head full of snot, AND I still have to get up at six in the morning to go to work, and stay there for six fucking hours with my insane boss who wants to fucking kill me! And THEN, if that's not bad ENOUGH, someone decides they can't come in to take over, leaving ME to work OVERTIME for THREE HOURS! I mean, at least I'm getting PAID for working overtime, but that does NOT change the fact that I feel like my head's exploded!"  
  
Right. Fair enough then.  
  
Yugi's currently pouring Doritos into a bowl. Not a particularly fascinating task. Ryou, on the other hand, is bent over trying to get something from the bottom of the cupboard. This I can watch. It's a shame he's wearing cargo pants, it's not a great view when he's wearing them. If he wore leather like Marik, I'd probably be getting the floor wet with drool. If he wore tight jeans, like me, I wouldn't complain. But... those pants are far too baggy.  
  
I have no idea where Yami's gone. He's probably looking for something somewhere. Well, at least I know Lucky's safe. He's currently weaving his way around Ryou's legs, meowing for food. Ryou isn't too impressed with that.  
  
"Shut UP! I'm going to step on you you know! OW!!"   
  
NO! BAD LUCKY! I grab the cat away from Ryou, and dump it outside.  
  
"You okay, Ryou?" Yugi asks.  
  
"Yeah, didn't break my skin. He's just a little nippy."  
  
I get bored of these two and head into the living room. Marik's put a few bowls of food on the coffee table, and apparently decided that since he can't take over the world, he'll just take over the sofa instead. The Pharaoh is... somewhere. Upstairs, judging from the loud crash and 'OW!' I just heard. He's hopeless, really. Shadi gives him FAR too much credit.  
  
I settle down in the armchair. I must try not to think of sexy thoughts. As much as I LIKE to get lost in my head, Yugi'd want to suck me off, Marik would laugh, Yami'd either tease me or go into a hysterical, caffeine-induced giggling fit, and Ryou'd... I have no idea what Ryou'd do, he's never noticed me aroused before. Probably just blush. Wildly. He looks great when he blushes. I can just see him now, panting, wanting... NO! MUST STOP TRAIN OF THOUGHT!  
  
Marik goes to get another tissue. He's quite... cute when he's like this. He's gone kinda pink on his cheeks. He looks so pathetic!  
  
Of course, I have absolutely no intention of telling him that. I may not be able to die, but I most certainly CAN feel pain!  
  
Tonight is going to be... difficult. I have sexy people all around me, and every oppurtunity for my mind to wander. For example, I'm currently drifting back to the bondage and whips from last night's dream, with the blushing and panting Ryou from a moment ago. Marik's current snot-filled state has kind of ruined my fantasy (I don't really fancy being sneezed on) but I can handle Ryou alone. Oh, yeah, forgot the strawberries and cream.  
  
Manic laughter tears me from my fantasy. DAMN! I just CAN'T STOP MYSELF! Yes, you can guess what happened. I need to take another trip to the bathroom.  
  
I excuse myself, and head upstairs only to cause more laughter from Marik, before he sneezed into the tissue.   
  
Serves him right for laughing. I can see the bulge in his pants very well, thank you. The leather pants leave nothing to the imagination, I really have to force Ryou to wear some. Wonder what HE'S been thinking of? Yarik, probably.  
  
I perform the activity I do more than I do brush my teeth, before washing my hands (I may be a psycho with a blood fetish, but at least I'm hygienic while I'm at it) and heading back downstairs. Nearly falling and cracking my skull open because SOMEONE thought it might be appropriate to sneak up behind me and shout 'BOO!'  
  
Stupid Pharaoh.  
  
If this is what he's like after Pepsi, I dread to think what would happen when alcohol comes into the picture.  
  
"What were you doing?" Ryou asks.  
  
"I... uh..."  
  
"He was jacking off, stupid." Wonderful, thanks Marik. I note that his erection seems to have gone. He must have used the downstairs toilet. The one with the lightbulb that died about two months ago. Really should fix that.  
  
Unfortunately, the place is inhabited by spiders. I said before that there are only a few things that scared me. Spiders are another one of those things. Don't laugh. It's not nice.  
  
But honestly, I REALLY don't like spiders. It's the way they move. It's just... CREEPY! ESPECIALLY the big ones. The ones that get into your bath and you never know how they got there in the first place because they sure as hell won't go back down the plughole. I swear they have supernatural powers or something. Ryou caught one under a glass once. It was HUGE! It attacked the side of the glass and was so big you could see its teeth!  
  
Thankfully, or unthankfully as the case may be, Ryou didn't have a chance to comment before Yami decided it might be appropriate to jump on me.  
  
"Uh, Yami? I don't think squishing Bakura's a good idea..." Yugi comments. Marik's howling with laughter. He's certainly cheered up. I'll have to kill him at some point.   
  
"GET OFF!" I shout. He won't. So basically, I throw him off.   
  
"AAGH!" Heh. Bookshelf. Heavy book. Head. Put them together. Yes, Yami's not had the best of luck with heavy objects today.  
  
"Thanks for getting this down for me Yami," Ryou says, picking up the GameCube from where the Pharaoh left it on the stairs. "Bakura, will you go upstairs and get the games?"  
  
"Will I hell," I snap.  
  
"Oww..." the Pharaoh whines. He puts the several book back on the shelf. "Bakura, why, in the name of Ra, did you do that?!"  
  
"Uh, let's see, could it be because I don't like being pounced on?"  
  
"I'll get the games, since Bakura won't," Yugi sighs, running upstairs. A few seconds later, he's down again with a cardboard box. Full of, you guessed it, GameCube games.  
  
"We might as well play something while we're waiting for everyone," Ryou says, setting the GameCube up. "We'll have to take turns..."  
  
"I'll sit out first," I say. Ryou's glaring at me.  
  
"No stealing the Pringles."  
  
"Damn." Yes, that was my plan. I'll still manage to swipe some. After all, I AM the greatest thief the world has ever known. If I can rob tombs, I most CERTAINLY can rob a kitchen.  
  
END OF PART 5  
  
And next up... some computerish randomness. Plus pizza. And Bakura gets lost in thought... again.  
  
I really DO think this story's just going downhill... oh well, review! 


	6. Chapter 6

KIWI'S NOTES: This is the last chapter I have on my computer. If anyone has the others saved (I doubt it, but I might as well ask), can you send them to me please? My email is kiwi@sennen-ring.net ... well, okay, that just redirects to my main email address, but I couldn't help but semi-plug the now almost fully functional Millennium Library...  
  
NOTES: Okay, let's go through this. I was SO running out of ideas for this one, so I had to enlist the help of various people. Said people including Kiwi, Omega the Gryffin, and Zero. So they get a thanks.  
  
Oh and another thing - several websites I've seen say Marik's vegetarian. So he is in this story. What kind of homicidal nut is vegetarian? This one, apparently.  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
BY LOGO  
  
-------------  
  
Well, Ryou managed to stop me from getting at the Pringles. Partially because he can see me when I get up to go and get them, but mostly because he called Joey and told him to get a pizza. And said I wasn't going to get any unless I left the Pringles alone.  
  
Of course, that's only a delay.  
  
Having switched from the weird tag tournament Duel Monsters fighting game thing to Sonic the Hedgehog, Yami is currently kicking my ass in racing, with the worst character in the whole fucking game. Yeah, the pink one. I can't remember their names.  
  
He's just paralysed my character again. Bastard.  
  
It's not as if I'm crap at this game or anything, it's just that Yami has this annoying habit of winning everything. Oh well, I'm playing Marik next, on the treasure hunting game. I'll be playing as the peachy-coloured girl. Because she reminds me of Ryou.  
  
Ryou's commented on the fact I like playing as her. He thinks I'd pick anyone who wasn't a peace-making, sweet little girl. I wonder if he noticed he's pretty much describing himself?  
  
After that, it's Marik racing against Ryou. I'm REALLY looking forward to them playing against each other. Simply put, I'll be free to observe those mesmerising expressions they both get when playing. Marik tends to gnaw on his bottom lip and frown slightly, and Ryou looks like he's spaced out. I'm pretty sure he'd have that expression after a night of... yeah, well, I'm sure you know what I mean. It'd involve his face being flushed as well though.  
  
Well, Yami won. What a surprise. The pink thing is squeaking in that ridiculously high-pitched voice. She makes me think of Tea after inhaling helium. Yes, she's THAT annoying.  
  
But not as annoying as a certain someone who's just picked me up and put me on his lap. Yes, Yarik's finally come out of the rod.  
  
I honestly don't know if it's a genuine crush or if he's just trying (successfully) to rid me of my last remaining shred of sanity. All I know is, I'm not interested.  
  
Okay, so he's hot, but if you don't mind, I'd rather stick to people who AREN'T bigger, stronger, and more uncontrollable than me.  
  
Besides, he's got Marik.  
  
"Hey Bakura!" Yarik chirps. He's always too happy, in a destructive psychotic kind of way. Basically, if people say I'm nuts, I introduce them to Yarik. Who usually tries to introduce them to the Millennium Rod, namely the pointy part, but Marik usually stops him in one way or another. Occasionally threatening him with no sex.  
  
I repeat: I WANT SEX!  
  
"I'm going to get something to eat," Yami says, heading, once again, into the kitchen. He'd better not grab any of MY Pringles. He's still bouncing around like a bunny on steroids, only ever so slightly subdued by the several painful attacks of heavy objects. Heavy objects including the curtain rail, the book, a shelf, a plate (I hit him over the head with it because he tried to steal the cheesecake - Yami likes to steal food), the Millennium Rod, and for some unknown reason, a porcelain plant-pot. Oh yeah, and Ryou accidentally hit him in the face with a door.  
  
Yarik's currently occupying himself by licking my neck. Not in the sensual kind of way, more like a dog. Freak. From past experiences I have learned that struggling is no good. I would kick him in the balls, but in this particular situation, I can't reach.  
  
He REALLY needs a kick. He's got an erection, and it's digging into my back, QUITE painfully. My head vibrates under the powerful force of my twitchy eye.  
  
"Yarik, if you don't mind, I'm supposed to be playing against your hikari here!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, let go."  
  
"But I don't wanna!"  
  
"Let go."  
  
"NO!"  
  
And he clings to me even harder. I think my ribs are going to crack.  
  
"Yarik, let go of Bakura," Marik orders. He sounds odd with his blocked nose. "You can do all that later."  
  
"With you?" I ask. I have to make sure, especially considering the nature of Marik's personality.  
  
"What? You must be joking. I'm not having him slobbering all over me like a mongrel."  
  
Well, there's a surprise.  
  
"Well then, have him grab Yami next time."  
  
"What was that about me?" Yami asks. Great, he's back. Oh, how absolutely fucking wonderful, he found the Pepsi. And he's got a pint glass full of the stuff.  
  
The doorbell conveniently rings. Yarik bounces up and knocks me to the floor.  
  
"I WILL KILL THE EVIL DOORBELL RINGING PERSON! THE DOORBELL RINGER MUST BE... destroyed? Um..." Like I said before, a good threatening glare from Marik soon calms this weirdo down. Even if his eyes ARE pink and puffy and sicky-looking and pitiful and adorable and... I'll shut up now.  
  
Yugi answers. It's Joey. With added circular pieces of edible stuff.  
  
"Hey guys! I got two pizzas seein' as y'all like to stuff yer faces!"  
  
"Hah, more like YOU like to stuff your face," Marik comments. "What kind?" He snatches a box from Joey. "You'd better have remembered I don't eat..."  
  
"Hey, don' worry yourself there Marik. One of 'em's a half an' half. One side spicy vegetable. Yer the only vegetarian here, y'know."  
  
"Great, you're not as stupid as I thought."  
  
"An' by the way, that box you got there is pepperoni."  
  
"And you can tell... how?"  
  
"Because I already knew it was the top one."  
  
"I still think they should put lemon on pizza," Yarik tells me. Yarik has some weird obsession with lemon anything. Especially the real thing. Yarik and Ryou are the only people I know who can stand actually EATING them.  
  
"No, that sounds horrible," Yami comments. I SEE those eyes rolling, stupid patronising idiotic hyperactive pharaoh! Well, at least he hasn't done anything particularly stupid since he forgot that there were glass panels in the patio doors and bounced happily into them.  
  
Ouch.  
  
Yami turns off the TV and the GameCube, and Joey puts the pizza down on the table. We'd put on some music, but the stereo died about a year ago. Ryou's dad is never around long enough to actually bother sending it to be fixed. Yami offered to help. Ryou refused. I wonder why.  
  
So, pizza.  
  
I like pizza. Especially pizza with pineapple on it. I don't like it when people try to steal the pineapple.  
  
Ryou, being Ryou, picks off any pineapple and pepperoni and leaves it to eat seperately. Motion of fingers... so delicate. I swear he was a girl in a past life.  
  
Crap, I can't have just said that. He was ME in a past life.  
  
Joey and Yarik have such similar table manners. At least I bother to actually bite it first, rather than pull off the crust and stuff the rest of the pizza into my mouth. They find chewing it very difficult.  
  
Marik... well, he's eating kind of slow. Normally he goes at pretty much my pace. Must be that cold of his.  
  
"Too quiet," Yami comments. "We need to talk about something."  
  
"How about... bunnies?" Yarik suggests. Wow, Yarik, what an interesting topic.  
  
"Rabbits are evil," Ryou says. "Seriously."  
  
"No, you can't say that!" Yugi argues. "How can you not like rabbits?"  
  
Ryou responds by standing and pulling up the left leg of his pants. The sheer bagginess of them lets him pull them up to show the scar just above his knee. "Got viciously attacked by one," he explains, before sitting back down and noticing that Yami had stolen some of his reserved pineapple.  
  
"Well, you can eat bunnies," Yarik starts out. "You take ferrets hunting with you and they bite their necks like vampires! And the bunny is squealing and bleeding everywhere but it won't live long because the ferret shakes it and shakes it until it's dead and gone limp, and you take it home and chop it up and..."  
  
He manages to say that with a childish grin on his face the whole way through.  
  
"Thanks for that enlightening tale," Marik groans. "Since when have you known about rabbit hunting, anyway?"  
  
Yarik shrugs. Yarik has a tendency to make assumptions... and twist them into something involving a lot of sick imagery... so I think he got most of that completely wrong.  
  
"That was SICK, Yarik! You'll put Yugi off his food!" Yami yells.   
  
"Yami, I'm fine..."  
  
"But he..."   
  
"DOWN!"  
  
"...okay..."  
  
Joey's mouth is far too full to talk. Same with Yarik, but he has an 'I AM THE VICTOR, MUAHAHAH!' look on his face.  
  
Yugi's trying to control Yami again. One day I'll be able to do that to Ryou. Ah yes, the things I could do with Ryou when that happens. I could actually live out my fantasies. To some degree. If I can get Yarik to let me borrow his hikari for a little while, then it'd be perfect.  
  
Ryou's way of eating makes me think of where his mouth COULD be. Oh yes.  
  
So I failed in my attempt to suppress my sexually deprived mind's antics. Well, I have to go to the bathroom again.  
  
"Going upstairs a minute," I tell everyone. Marik and Yugi are both snickering.   
  
Once again, I take care of myself. However, after I've washed my hands and head back, something catches my eye.   
  
HOLY FUCK THAT SPIDER'S HUGE!  
  
I immediately jump back from the bath. THAT is the kind of spider I'm terrified of. The big, bony, kind of hairy, huge, brown ones! IT'S THE WAY THEY MOVE, I SWEAR!   
  
Of course, since I'm a freak, I can't resist going back to have another look. To feel the fear. I like the fear.  
  
SHIT! It's MOVING!  
  
The thing climbs out of the bath and runs across the floor.  
  
I HATE the way these spiders move! ESPECIALLY when they're moving towards ME!  
  
I immediately go back into the Ring. MY Ring. My sanctuary. Of course, Ryou notices, like he always does when I go back in.   
  
/"Uh, Bakura? What exactly are you doing?"/  
  
//"There's a fucking HUGE spider in the bathroom!"//  
  
/"Are you going conditionally arachnaphobic on me again?"/  
  
//"...yes."//  
  
/"Did you unbolt the door before you left the bathroom?"/  
  
//"...no."//  
  
/"WHAT? You IDIOT!"/  
  
//"I panicked! It was running at me!"//  
  
/"Great, now we're locked out of the bathroom."/  
  
I leave the Ring, and end up sitting next to Ryou.  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
Ryou sighs. "I need a couple of you guys to help knock the bolt-hole-thing out of the door frame. Bakura stupidly left it bolted."  
  
"Why didn't you just come downstairs?" Yami asked me.  
  
"Because he saw a spider and panicked."  
  
This is followed by a lot of laughter from everyone but me and Ryou.  
  
"HEY!" I complain. "It's called a phobia! I can't help it!"  
  
"Actually, it's a conditional phobia," Ryou responds. "You grab flies and put them in spider webs just to watch the spider eat them."  
  
"Yeah, but those spiders don't move freakily," I defend.  
  
"Alright," Joey says, wiping some of the tomato sauce from the pizza onto his sleeve. "Let's go knock this door down!"  
  
And so everyone heads upstairs. Where Joey and Yarik proceed to ram into the bathroom door.  
  
"You know, guys, it might help if someone held the handle down," Yugi points out.  
  
"Then why don't you?" Marik asks. Yugi shrugs, and grabs the door handle, positioning himself in front of the door rather than beside so the two wouldn't break his arm when the door opened.  
  
It took about five hits for the door to open. And the first thing that happened was the spider racing out at top speed.  
  
"SHIT!" Yami yelps, clinging to the wall for safety. See, I told you it was big and scary. Even Yami's scared. New mockery opportunity.  
  
Yarik and Joey look awed.  
  
"Now that is one big spider," Marik comments, looking stunned. "How the hell did it get through the plughole?"  
  
"That's the mystery of those spiders," Ryou responds. "And now..."  
  
He grabs hold of the vaccuum cleaner, which is at the top of the stairs.  
  
"Yer gonna kill it with that thing?" Joey asks. Ryou nods happily, plugging it in and turning it on, before he chases after the spider. And since this is one of those bagless, 'cyclone' vacuum cleaners, we all get to watch the evil creature go round and round and round and round...  
  
END OF PART 6  
  
One day I will return to the plot. I swear.  
  
Next chapter, Yarik declares war on Yami over the Pepsi. You thought caffeine high Yami was bad? Wait until you get caffeine high Yarik. And it's best not to argue when he tells you cars are just evolved ponies.  
  
Tried to make this chapter a bit longer. Sorta failed. I was supposed to go further than the spider... but that file was on the school computers and they took away my network access because of it. That is the main reason why it took so long to update. Too much innuendo for the IT tech. So, this is just the one that was on my computer.  
  
It'll take a little longer than usual to update because I can't work on the school computers anymore. 


	7. Chapter 7

KIWI'S NOTES: *yawn* I just had to reformat this entire chapter. In Notepad.  
  
I'm still missing chapter 10. If anyone has it in their grasp, please email it to me at kiwi@sennen-ring.net.  
  
Logo has computer access again! She says she has a new fic in the works, and while she has not given up on writing a fic set in canon, she sees no point in ditching her little "style" to do so. However, I'm currently still updating THIS fic for her, as her access is limited due to school filters.  
  
However, she says:  
  
"Hey all! I plead for your forgiveness on the fanfiction front and would like to ask if all the readers here would like to join me in the ritualistic burning of my computer's corpse. And maybe contribute towards a new one? Okay, sorry, sorry. I just need a computer. Filters cut things half way through randomly, which pisses me off."  
  
"I've noticed that my name for Yami Malik seems to have been adopted by a lot of people. It's nice to see that my work has had an impact, but please... stop? It's annoying me. I don't like to see something I thought was unique to me being spread so much."  
  
"That's all I really have to say at the moment. These are going in the author notes, so I have to keep it short otherwise you'll all come and cannibalise me. Well, seeya! I'm getting to my new fic soon... it features Yugi being short."  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
-------------  
  
Boredom struck long ago. Yarik has calmed down significantly, which, for the record, is a good thing. A very good thing. He's a lot more serious when he settles down, though. Just don't show him anything depressing, or he'll get angsty, and angsty Yarik is NOT good, because it affects his 'destroy' instincts. Yes, he goes through a lot of mood swings. He is quite definitely the moodiest person I have ever met, in either life.  
  
Ryou's on the computer, with Yugi. He seems to be immersed in an instant message conversation. He's not even checking the browser for that fanfiction he's been reading since... well, ages ago. And that's quite strange. Yami, Yarik and Marik are in the kitchen. I'm not concerned about the Pringles. I snatched them a little after the spider incident and hid them under my futon.  
  
I'm currently just lying on the settee, with my legs hanging off the back. From my current point of view, everything is upside down. Okay, so the blood is rushing to my head, but I don't really care. Joey is finding out what videos we have. We have quite a lot of them, the only problem is that most of them are either old or crap. And there's a couple that belong to the little kid next door who Ryou looks after sometimes. He's getting the boxes everywhere. Quite dangerous, considering Yami's recent luck. He's annoying when hyper, but he makes up for it by tripping over every single object available to be tripped over.   
  
I hope Joey leaves them there.   
  
And then Yami can trip over them and crack his head on the mantelpiece. Mm, blood.  
  
Marik returns, with a glass of Pepsi. I think everyone likes Pepsi. It's like a worldwide addiction or something.  
  
"Hey, who are you talking to?" he asks Ryou, who is STILL deep in instant message conversation.  
  
"Some bitch who has made her way around my blocks specifically to drive me nuts."  
  
"It's Ryou's little stalker," Yugi adds. "She has loads of accounts on AIM, she's probably a professional arguer stalker person."  
  
What? They must be joking, stalker-thing can't be back, can it? I make a mental note to go online later and deal with this psycho in one way or another. I sit up and lean over the back of the settee to read the conversation. Marik sits next to me. No matter how much I like him, I will tear him apart if he gives me his cold. Admittedly, I don't know if I can actually get a cold, because I'm dead, but...  
  
The conversation consists mostly of various attempts from Ryou to get her to fuck off, and stalker-thing being all persistent. It's doing that thing again. That 'all my friends and me think you're just using that whole thing as an excuse to go out with the other girl' thing. And that he's admitted to going out with this other girl. Now, who might this other girl be? Oh, I know, could Ryou possibly be lying to get her to take the hint? I wonder...  
  
You know what? I've officially given up on trying to humiliate stalker-thing. It is unable to be humiliated. It's unable to do anything in terms of emotion. The patheticality (yes, I know it's not a word, but it is now, because I said so) of the creature is mindboggling. Now, my current mission is to get it to leave Ryou alone. How dare it go round his blocks? I KNOW he blocked it from just about everything he can block it from. Even LiveJournal.  
  
Ryou is shaking. He's pissed. He's really pissed. Look, even I'm scared of Ryou when he's pissed, so that gives you a rough idea. He also has a habit of taking his anger out on everyone else, even if he doesn't mean to. Which means EVERYONE has to watch what they say now, and that's going to be a little tough. I dread to think what'll happen if Yarik gets on his nerves, because if Ryou snaps, Yarik will definitely retaliate.  
  
Stalker-thing is blocked. A new AIM window pops up with a different screenname. It's stalker-thing again.  
  
It's gone from 'fuck-off-no-I-don't-want-to' to an all out war.  
  
"Let me take over," Marik orders, pushing Ryou out of the way. Ryou is not happy, and hits his shoulder. Can't exactly say Ryou's intimidating in terms of physical strength. He might leave a little bruise. Marik almost hits him back. He's lucky he didn't, I would've killed him. NOBODY touches my Ryou. Yes, I'm a little overprotective. I have every right to be.  
  
Well, Ryou heads off into the kitchen. This means I follow.  
  
INTO THE JAWS OF CHAOS!  
  
Note to self: Never leave Yarik and Yami alone in a room together. Especially not in a room with Pepsi and alcohol.  
  
Or maybe I should, because Yami suffers most of the damage. It appears that Yarik thought it appropriate to draw on him with squirty cream and the squeezy bottle of strawberry sauce. What a waste, to think where else that could have gone... mm, Ryou... Anyway, Yami now has his head in the sink, getting the stuff out of his hair. Possibly drowning. Maybe I should go hold his head down. Yarik, on the other hand, is quite happily trying to power trip, and is explaining his plan to destroy the world's transportation to Yami. Who, coincidentally, is ignoring him. Not that Yarik cares, this whole plan isn't serious in the first place. You can tell, because when he's being serious, his plan actually stands a chance of working, and doesn't involve ponies.  
  
It's best to leave Yarik well alone when he's power-tripping while in a childish mood, particularly when he's managed to get hold of the Pepsi Max. It doesn't really matter, because he's not homicidal when he's like that, he's just able to prove you wrong in very embarrassing ways. He KNOWS his excuse is wrong, but it can't be argued against, and that's what matters.  
  
Yami makes a point of getting me wet by shaking the water out of his hair. "What do you want, Bakura?"  
  
"Oh, I was just following Ryou," I respond. "You wasted the squirty cream," Ryou complains. He's pouting slightly. Oh, so he wanted it? I suppose I could go steal some more, and 'waste' that can as well...   
  
"No, Yarik wasted the squirty cream," Yami corrects him. "I tried to save the Pepsi."  
  
In other words, an empty Pepsi bottle is now adorning the floor. Easy to guess where the former contents went. The contents are now the contents of new containers, namely various stomachs. Not including mine, because some people just aren't considerate enough to leave me any.  
  
Yarik is currently occupied, watching the kettle boil. Well, he has to do SOMETHING. But watching the kettle boil is exceptionally pathetic. I, of course, can't resist telling him so, but I stay on my toes in case he takes it as an insult.  
  
"Shut up, it's part of my plan to destroy the world."  
  
"He's come up with three different world-destruction plans since Marik left," Yami informs me, sighing. "You probably heard - I'm pretty sure he was just trying to kill my brain."  
  
"I wonder what'll happen if I poured this over Yami's head..." Yarik wonders, still staring at the now-boiled kettle. Yami immediately looks nervous, and leaves, muttering something about ice cream to Ryou. Ice cream? I think I need my ears checked. No, wait, Ryou grabbed the ice cream out of the freezer, my ears are fine.  
  
Ryou grabs other stuff to do with ice cream (like, for example, spoons and bowls) and takes them into the living room. They'd better save stuff for me this time.  
  
"So, you seem to be having fun," I say to Yarik. I climb up on the kitchen counter. Ryou doesn't like it when I sit on the counter. He tells me they're not meant to be sat on. Well, if they're not meant to be sat on, why the fuck do they make them so comfortable?  
  
They're so useful, kitchen counters are. Versatile, even. I mean, you can sit on them, eat from them, sleep on them (as I learned once when drunk), prepare food on them, prepare OTHER things on them, have sex on them... you get the idea.  
  
Where was I? I got lost in thought again. Trying to figure out where on the kitchen counter I could fuck Ryou senseless without banging my head on an overhanging cupboard. Which, for the record, I have just done. It hurt quite a lot. The pain is not helped by Yarik laughing at me.   
  
"So, are you going to answer my question or just stare into space?" he asks.  
  
In response, I make some indecipherable noises. I was supposed to respond in an understandable way, but I was trying to say two things at once, which is never a good idea because jumbled messes are unavoidable.  
  
"I asked you if you'd gotten into Ryou's pants yet."  
  
Um, let's see... well, there was that time when... no wait, that was me daydreaming. "No."  
  
"Intend to get some action within this millennia?"  
  
"..." Yes, what an appropriate response.  
  
"Well, since you're obviously never going to actually get Ryou in bed... or another appropriate location... I'd happily volunteer to rid you of your sexual frustration."  
  
"I bet you would."  
  
"So that's a yes?"  
  
"That's a no."  
  
"Meanie."  
  
I'll never understand how this guy can go from serious to childish so fast. You get used to it, but it'll never cease to irritate. So it's no real surprise when my whole body seems to twitch.  
  
Yarik mentions something about Marik. What about Marik? I don't know, I wasn't listening, the word 'Marik' just stood out. I'm occupied in a kitchen counter fantasy, thank you very much.  
  
There are many nice things in the kitchen. Like the squirty cream. I wonder if there's even any left, after Yami and Yarik 'played' with it?  
  
You know what? Spacing out is bad. I now have strawberry syrup in my hair. DAMMIT!  
  
Yarik leaves the kitchen really fast, probably due to the presence of ice cream in the other room. Or my glaring scared him, which I doubt, because this is Yarik. Which is why I'm not gloating. He's probably planning something really nasty against me.  
  
Well, I have to go to the bathroom. Not for the usual reasons, I'm just not amused by the thought of walking around with a strawberry syrup smiley face in my hair.  
  
So, I try to head for the bathroom, but Yugi blocks me off at the top of the stairs. What the fuck does he want? I am NOT letting him anywhere near my crotch, if that's what he's thinking.  
  
"Hey Bakura."  
  
"What do you want?" I snap.  
  
"I was just wondering something... well, do you like Ryou?" What? Hah, seems the midget has more observational skill than the Pharaoh.  
  
"He's my hikari dammit, figure it out."  
  
"Not like that! You know..."  
  
"Even if I did, it wouldn't be any of your business, would it?" And I slam the bathroom door and grab the shower.  
  
Now, I wonder what the midget's up to? He doesn't normally just ask questions like that...  
  
END OF PART 7 


	8. Chapter 8

KIWI'S NOTES: *yawnstretch* Still missing chapter 10! If ANYONE has it, PLEASE send it?!  
  
And yes, I'm really only uploading it because a certain someone (*cough*NAPSTER*cough*) keeps pestering me about it. At school. I woulda forgotten about it completely otherwise XD  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
-------------  
  
I must seriously come up with a way to destroy Yarik. A very painful way. I do not take embarrassment very well.  
  
Oh sure, it was just a bit of mindless fun. Let's put a lump of ice down the back of Yami Bakura's shirt when he's not expecting it. It's the way my body chose to react that's the problem.  
  
I fucking SQUEAKED! Loud, and high-pitched. This, of course, caused everyone to crack up and start calling me "mousie".  
  
What a glorious situation.  
  
Ryou, however, said I can be HIS mousie. That slightly lessened the humiliation, although I did find myself resisting a particularly strong urge to act like a child and stick my tongue out at Yarik. I think that if I hadn't resisted, Yarik would have bitten it. He did that the last time.   
  
A while ago, there was a phoning spree. Everyone's staying the night. Haven't got a clue where everyone's going to sleep, but it doesn't really matter.   
  
So, anyway, we're all just sat here watching a movie. Or at least that's what we're supposed to be doing. I've seen this movie so many times, I'm bored out of my skull, and therefore am braiding and unbraiding my hair, simply for the sake of fiddling. Yugi and Ryou are talking. They're deliberately keeping their voices low for some irritatingly obscure reason, so I can't eavesdrop. But Ryou looks amused. Joey is gawking at the screen, Yami is eating the last of the chocolate gateaux, and Marik and Yarik are making out.  
  
As you can tell, my second life isn't all that fascinating. For me, anyway. Some people are just lucky.  
  
Speaking of Lucky, he's on my lap, twitching in his sleep. It's quite amusing.  
  
Boredom sucks.  
  
Thing is, I'm currently out of ideas for things I can do with Ryou. That's quite disturbing. I MUST think of a way to occupy my brain before it rots. Brain rot is not nice. Kind of resembles Yami's Mind Crush. Just without the death and permenant dementedness part. And you can just sleep it off, while you can't do that with the Mind Crush.  
  
I want to go on the computer, but Ryou snapped at me because apparently I use it too much. The hypocrisy of that statement is incredible. But I know better than to fight with Ryou when he's pissed. Do NOT mistake Ryou for a wimp. The kid's stubborn as hell, and he'll cling to his statements like a limpet.  
  
What exactly is a limpet, anyway? Ryou's always mentioning them when someone's being stubborn, and I STILL don't know what a limpet is. All I know is that it clings to things and won't let go.  
  
My eye's twitching from the boredom. It wants action! Preferably involving Ryou with a distinct lack of clothing. Both my eyes would enjoy that. Come to think of it, so would I. Very much so.   
  
Lucky twitches himself awake. He stands up, thrusts his nose into my neck, paws at my stomach, then lies down and goes back to sleep. How do cats stand sleeping so much? I'd very much like to go to sleep right now. I have nothing more interesting to do. Unless I take Yarik up on his offer, and it'll be another five millennia of sex deprivation before I'm mad enough to do THAT. For a start, the chances of Yarik EVER being submissive are very, very low...  
  
Yes, I like to make sure that I'm the one in charge. I'd probably let Ryou be dominating, simply for the sake of knowing what it's like on the receiving end... once. Unless I enjoy it, which MIGHT happen... but I still won't let Yarik even try it. I'd rather be eaten by the Man Eater Bug.  
  
Yes, my mind is wandering again.   
  
I can't help but wonder exactly why gags are supposed to be a turn-on. I mean, Ryou's probably a screamer, and if he's not he will be when I'm through with him, so that's something that'll be a problem. With a gag, he can't let loose a nice, satisfying scream properly. And there's other stuff his mouth is needed for, which can't be accomplished when he's gagged. Like heated kisses, for one.  
  
Yeah, I think I'll settle for Ryou just deliciously naked and chained to a wall. Now, CHAINS are good.  
  
Especially in moonlight. Moonlight would highlight Ryou's wonderful, blushing features. And he would...  
  
Ahem, I have apparently drifted. Oddly enough, nobody has noticed. They're too absorbed into whatever they're doing. Well, that certainly stops them from laughing at me.   
  
Has Joey fallen asleep? He HAS!  
  
No wonder, the movie is crap!  
  
I really hate being bored.  
  
So, I have to take a quick trip to the bathroom. I get up, and just when I'm about to go up the stairs, Ryou stops me.  
  
"We'll be up in a minute too, Bakura. Should go to bed."  
  
I nod, and head upstairs, wondering where the hell everyone was going to sleep. We only have Ryou's bed, my futon, and the sofa bed, and there's seven of us. And there is no WAY I'm sleeping on the sofa bed, the thing smells like cat piss.  
  
Heading into the bathroom, which has practically been my home tonight, I contemplate sleeping in the bath. But I'm too tall to fit. Maybe I should dump Yami in there, he's a shortass. Maybe another spider would come pay a visit. It'd be amusing to see Yami racing into the bedroom screaming "MONSTER!"  
  
As long as the freaky spider doesn't follow him.  
  
Anyway, I'm about halfway through my common task, when the door opens, since Yarik and Joey broke the lock. Just when I was about to turn around and beat the crap out of whoever it was, I'm hit in the back of the head with clothing, and the door closes again. I finish off, wash my hands, and take a look at what was thrown at me.  
  
It's one of Ryou's father's tee-shirts and a pair of boxers. Ah, of course, Ryou wants me to change. So that's what I do.  
  
When I go into the bedroom, I'm hit in the face by a flying box of Pringles. Which Yarik threw. Yes, it's the same box of Pringles that I hid. I consider attacking him, but no, I think that's a bad idea, especially since I'd prefer to remain intact.   
  
Yugi and Ryou are STILL talking in lowered voices, and it's seriously irritating me. Yarik and Marik are fighting over a pillow. Apparently they're sharing the sofa bed. After a moment or so, Ryou comes over to me.  
  
"We moved Joey onto the settee," Ryou informs me. "He wouldn't wake up. Oh, and Yami and Yugi are sharing your futon."  
  
"What? Where the fuck am I going to sleep?!"  
  
"You're sharing with me, what did you think?"  
  
Sleeping... with... Ryou?  
  
My mind has suddenly gone numb. I am sleeping with Ryou. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't tell. On the one hand, I'll be close to Ryou. On the other hand... I have not exactly got a huge amount of control over certain parts of my body...  
  
Shit.  
  
END OF PART 8 


	9. Chapter 9

KIWI'S NOTES: *sigh* still no sign of chapter 10... would someone PLEASE be so kind as to send it to me?! kiwi@sennen-ring.net  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
BY LOGO  
  
-------------  
  
Discovered that Yarik can't sleep because of all the caffeine. Same with Yami, but strangely enough, he's not bugging me as much. He was just lying there, while Yarik has a tendency to bounce up and down and ramble, and he is LOUD. He does it out of boredom, not hyperness, and that's the most annoying part.   
  
So what are we doing?  
  
Of all things, we ended up playing Frustration. That weird board game with the popping thing in the middle for the dice. Thing is, Ryou's had it since he was about six. Therefore, all the pieces are missing and the popping thing won't work. So we've got a regular dice which we had to write numbers on with a permenant marker because the dots wore off, and various little random objects that won't fit in the holes. To make it faster, (and allowing all six of us to play) we only have one each. The pieces are from Cluedo and Monopoly. Those games involve too much thinking to play right now.  
  
Basically, we're all a little bit drunk. We didn't have enough to get completely smashed, or even go over the legal driving limit, but we're still acting... well, just plain stupid, to be honest.  
  
Except for Yarik. He said it tasted like shit and wanted Vimto instead. So he's acting normal. Well, okay, normal for him, at least.  
  
"Ryou, question," Yugi asks. "Since when has a six sided dice had the number nine on it?"  
  
"Since I decided it would be interesting," Ryou replies, shrugging.  
  
"Minus three?"   
  
"Otogi's gonna kill you for defacing his beloved dice, Ryou," Yami snickers.  
  
Marik would have snorted, but he sneezed instead. He's gone through about three packets of tissues since he got here. "That guy has an unhealthy obsession with dice. Next thing you know he'll be using them to masturbate or something."  
  
Yami looks confused. He doesn't get it. You'd think after all the time with Yugi he'd know what he was talking about. "Uh...?"  
  
Growling, Marik tries to elaborate. "Not that way, I mean..."  
  
"GOD! How would he get it out?!" Ryou cries out, before blushing, making me struggle to regain control of my body, and laughing in embarrassment. Everyone looks pretty much shocked at this outburst. I am impressed. Has he always been able to follow everyone else's perversion and make his own contributions, or is it the small amount of alcohol having its effects?  
  
"Hospital?" I suggest, shrugging.  
  
"Yeah, and what would he say?" Marik demands. "'Sorry, doctor, but I was playing with my dice and one somehow went up my ass' probably wouldn't be convincing..."  
  
"Tweezers?" is Yugi's suggestion. "Imagine if he missed... he'd impale himself!"   
  
Yami winces. "Ouch. Painful."  
  
"Bloody," Yarik adds, with a somewhat dreamy look on his face. He's... scary.  
  
"What if they had to operate?" Marik wonders. "The pain after would be so much he'd be walking funny..."  
  
This is the point at which I start to wonder why we are even having this conversation. And, just when Yarik starts getting a bit too excited about the prospect of blood and starts thinking about going and shoving a dice up Otogi's ass himself, I make this thought known to everyone else. Not discouraging Yarik, because I think that would be quite amusing.  
  
"Why the FUCK are we talking about Otogi's sexual dice fetishes?!"  
  
"I have no idea," Marik replies. He looks confused for a moment, before sneezing again. "Ugh, I think my cold's getting worse..."  
  
"Snotface," Ryou snickers. He rolls the little dice, and watches it bounce off the dead popping-thing, and roll under Marik's crossed legs. Marik stands up, pulls a face as his leg cramps up from sitting in that position for too long, and falls back down again, on top of Yami, who yells out and promptly throws Marik into Yarik. Yarik having quite the predatory smirk on his face, before shoving his tongue down his unfortunate aibou's throat.  
  
"What number is it?" Yugi wants to know.  
  
"Six," Ryou replies. "No wait... maybe it's nine..."  
  
"You should have made it clear which was which," Yami groans, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Well, sorry, I wasn't particularly concerned whether it looked like a six or a nine," Ryou responds, annoyed. "Let's just say it was a nine."  
  
"No way, you little cheat!" Yami snaps. "You said six first!"  
  
"Yeah, but it's not a six."  
  
"How can you tell?"  
  
"I wrote it on the dice," Ryou shrugs.  
  
"Well... nine shouldn't even be ON a dice! Both of them should be six!"  
  
Marik lets out a yelp. Yarik, apparently, just nipped his neck. I must not become jealous. I am perfectly happy not being with Ryou at this time... yes, I'm lying to myself, it's the best way to avoid killing the sexiest creature on the planet.  
  
"Bakura, are you alright?" Yugi asks me. "Your eye's twitching like Hell."  
  
I notice that Ryou takes the little metal car and moves it nine spaces while Yami turns to face Yugi, landing it in the 'home' area. "I win!" he chirps, happily.  
  
Yami glares at him. "I thought you were the ship, not the car."  
  
Ryou shrugs. "You think I can remember?"  
  
"You cheated."  
  
"Not intentionally, if I even did at all."  
  
I am refraining from mentioning that not only have we ALL managed to switch pieces at some point at the other, Ryou wasn't the ship OR the car. He was the Cluedo candlestick. But Ryou won, not Yami. I can live my death happily knowing that Yami lost something.  
  
And besides, he can't have intentionally cheated anyway, because the candlestick is six spaces away from the home area.  
  
"Well, bed time?"  
  
"You CHEATED!"  
  
Ryou rolls his eyes. "Shut up, and go to bed. We finished the game."  
  
"And besides, that was a SIX!"  
  
"Enough, Yami," Yugi mutters. "This is a game of LUCK, not strategy!"  
  
"He STILL cheated!"  
  
"Bed, Yami."  
  
"Sore loser?" Marik 'innocently' inquires, breaking away from Yarik.  
  
"I am NOT a sore loser, he CHEATED!" Yami yells, about to hit the Egyptian boy, simply for the lack of anything better to do.  
  
"...I like oranges."  
  
That comment came directly from Ryou, who was deliberately being random to distract everyone from killing each other. It works. I could seriously hurt him right now. It looked like we were actually going to get some form of entertainment for a moment there, as opposed to mindlessness.  
  
Yugi blinks slowly and deliberately, in a rather pathetic attempt at displaying confusion. "I thought you hated oranges."  
  
"I do, it's just the first fruit that came to mind. I prefer pomegranates."  
  
"Aren't they the blood-red ones that look like onions?" Yarik inquires. "That you stab with pins?"  
  
Ryou nods. "Now, it's bed time."  
  
"Don't forget to kiss each other good night!" Yugi chirps.   
  
I twitch. Yugi sounds far too happy. I do not 'do' happy. If he keeps it up, he might just drive me to multiple suicide attempts which will all fail, but still cause a substantial amount of pain.  
  
Yarik is apparently quite happy to talk about fruit though. Avoidance of bed, I assume. "I think lemons are better than pomegranates."  
  
"Both kinds too, knowing you," Marik sighs. This time it's Yarik's turn to look confused. It's extremely unusual to see him confused, and the expression doesn't suit him a whole lot.  
  
"'Both kinds'?"  
  
"On the net, a lemon is usually an explicit sex scene in a story," Marik explains, looking quite pleased with himself for knowing something Yarik didn't. His yami looks thoughtful for a moment.  
  
"I think I prefer the real thing," he eventually concludes, jumping on top of Marik, knocking him into Yami yet again.  
  
"Hey!" Yami shouts, struggling to push the two off him. "Do that in bed!"  
  
"What?" Yarik asks, with a grin that can only be described as evil on his face. "You mean you don't mind if we fu..."  
  
"I do," Ryou interrupts. "I'm not having you make a mess on my sofa bed, because I most certainly am NOT prepared to clean up after you! Besides, the rest of us need to sleep!"  
  
I decide to retreat to Ryou's bed. He has a high sleeper, and the desk and futon are underneath, while the sofa bed is on the other side of the room. The ladder hurts my feet. I'm surprised Ryou never complains about that. Anyway, once I'm up there, I lean over and say "well, aren't you going to go to bed? It's two in the morning, you know."  
  
Everyone pretty much agrees with me, possibly out of tiredness and possibly out of the fact it is me saying that. So there's a little while as everyone scrambles to their assigned beds. I feel slightly jealous of Yami and Yugi, because the futon is quite narrow so they have to get a lot closer to each other. If Ryou and I shared the futon... well, actually, I think I'd be more anxious about controlling my alcohol-affected body than I am right now. So in a way, it's a good thing and a bad thing that we're sharing Ryou's bed, which is nearly twice as wide as my futon.  
  
After turning off the light, Ryou clambers into bed with me, and we have a quick struggle over the pillow, until Ryou, fortunately and unfortunately, gives up and says he'll use me as a pillow instead.   
  
So now I have Ryou clinging to me, with his head resting on my shoulder, his back facing the wall.  
  
I can't help but stay completely still, staring off into space, trying to force myself not to think about the being currently attached to me. The last thing I need is to get aroused while sharing a bed with him.  
  
And I stay like this for a little while, failing to avoid arousal, hoping to Ra that Ryou wouldn't notice, even though he's apparently asleep now, and being annoyed with the fact that Yami is snoring.  
  
Then the desk lamp turns on.  
  
"What are you doing?" I ask, keeping my voice low. Marik looks quite irritated.  
  
"I need a sock."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To stuff in Yami's mouth."  
  
Makes sense. I would personally like to shove something a bit more pointy and lethal down his throat, but a sock will do if it makes him quieter.  
  
"Top drawer."  
  
Marik nods, collects a rather old sock, and a few seconds later it becomes a bit more silent. Once again, it all goes dark, and Marik returns to the sofa bed.  
  
Ryou moves slightly, almost nuzzling me. In fact, if I hadn't known he was asleep, I would say he WAS nuzzling me.  
  
I try to go to sleep, seriously struggling to ignore my body's protests. However, when Ryou moves his hand across my chest, I can't help but shudder slightly, and all chances of restraining my arousal disappear. And it gets worse when Ryou moves his hand further down, and I can't help but moan.  
  
It's when he gets a little bit too close to my arousal that I finally decide to wake him up. It's not fair to take advantage of him like that. Since when did I care? Since it was Ryou.  
  
"Ryou, wake up," I hiss, nudging him with my elbow. Ryou groans slightly, and wriggles slightly closer to me.  
  
"I wasn't asleep."  
  
This is when I completely freeze. After a moment, I thaw enough to speak.  
  
"You weren't? Then what...why are you..?" I whisper, stumbling quite uncharacteristically, turning my head slightly to see him. I can only just make out his face in the darkness, although part of it is illuminated by the light coming through the curtains. I can't see him well enough to make out his expression, although I'm sensing he's a bit anxious as to how I'm going to react.  
  
"Because I... well I..." He's trembling a little now, and makes as if to move. I thought for a moment he was moving away. I was very wrong to think this, because right now, I am very close to Ryou. Close in that we are currently sharing mouths.  
  
He tastes of chocolate. He was eating it just before we came to bed, so I suppose that explains it.  
  
Well, this turned out quite unusually.   
  
Who would have guessed that it would be Ryou to make the first move?  
  
END OF PART 9 


	10. Chapter 10

KIWI'S NOTES: YAY! I got it! ^o^ Thankyuuuuuuuuu!  
  
-------------  
  
STRESS REMEDY  
  
By Logo  
  
-------------  
  
I am now under the firm belief that Ryou is the best thing to hold on to. The worst thing would probably be a porcupine, but I'm not interested in things that can be held on to, I'm interested in the fact that I'm holding on to Ryou. He's snuggled up close to me. Awake, of course, but sleepy and a bit annoyed. It's hard not to be annoyed when you're woken up earlier than you'd like by someone yelling about how someone is going to die when they find out who it was that shoved a sock in their mouth.  
  
Yami sounded really pissed. Can't help but wonder why. After all, it was a CLEAN sock. Marik, who sounds even worse than he did yesterday, is just complaining about noisy pharaohs with no consideration. Yarik is currently unaccounted for. He's probably raiding the kitchen.  
  
When Yami turns his attention on me, I don't listen to him. My mind is reliving what happened between Ryou and I last night. I'm feeling sticky for a reason. Since it wouldn't be a wonderful idea to fuck each other in a room with four other people, Ryou thought it would be nice to just give me a hand job instead. He was right. It was nice. But I think I probably woke someone up.  
  
But now the image Ryou licking my sticky mess off his hands in a deliberately seductive manner is looping in my brain. So yeah, it's pretty much impossible for me to focus on anything Yami is saying.  
  
"Are you even LISTENING to me?!"  
  
Hmm, that got my attention. Must come up with creative way of destroying him now, I don't like being pulled out of a fan... no wait, it wasn't a fantasy, it was reliving what actually happened! Now I must indulge in that fact.  
  
"No."  
  
And now, I stupidly expect Yami to leave me alone now. I was wrong. But I get to drift again.  
  
While Yami goes on and on with his little rant, I watch Ryou. He's gone back to sleep. No wait, he's woken up. Burying his face in my chest and going back to sleep again.  
  
I love this kid.  
  
Yami gives up, grabs Yugi and their clothes and leaves the room. Slamming the door behind him, and scaring Ryou. Who goes back to sleep. He sleeps like a brick, I swear.  
  
Marik, who is the complete opposite and can't sleep after being woken up, just sits there, sniffling pathetically. I think his cold got worse overnight.   
  
After a few moments, he decides to go after them, and leaves the room, grabbing his clothes. Which leaves me to go back to sleep with my Ryou.   
  
Unfortunately, like Marik, I find sleeping EXTREMELY difficult after being woken up, and so I settle for just holding him, with my eyes closed so I (should) look like I'm asleep.  
  
I ignore it when someone comes back in. Don't even look to see who it is. I don't even HEAR him climb up the ladder, for some mysterious reason, but then again, I wasn't listening FOR it, since I have Ryou's breathing to focus on. But I certainly DID notice the bright flash, which not only causes me to sit up in alarm, but also wakes Ryou.  
  
Marik grins evilly over the camera, jumps off the bed, and runs out of the room. I would normally chase him, but Ryou attacked me. Yes, he seems quite awake now. Shoving his tongue down my throat. Fun. Killing Marik can wait.  
  
Annoyingly, he breaks off after only a few seconds. "We should go downstairs," he murmurs. I am inclined to disagree. I am quite happy being where I am and doing what I am doing. Until he leaves the bed, which makes staying here completely pointless, so I follow him.  
  
After having a quick (full-body) wash in the bathroom (conveniently spider-free), and putting some clothes on, I head downstairs and into the kitchen, to find Yarik gazing longingly at a cucumber, Joey eating, and Ryou buttering crumpets.  
  
I steal a crumpet, because I like crumpets, and stare at Yarik, who is confusing me with that cucumber.  
  
"If you don't want to be raped, I suggest not staring at me."  
  
Ah, I see. The cucumber is long and cylindrical, which reminds him of sex, which he has gone without for one whole night (probably a record for him).  
  
"What were you doing in the fridge in the first place?" I ask.  
  
"Looking for food," Joey explained. "I stopped him from getting the good stuff."  
  
"So you could get at it yourself," Ryou comments, rolling his eyes, and sitting on the counter.  
  
"And you're always telling ME not to sit on the counter?"  
  
"Hey, there's no chairs in here!" Ryou responds. "Shut up and eat your crumpet."  
  
I glare at him and sit up on the counter as well, trying to eat the crumpet without any of the excessive amount of butter dribbling down my face. A slightly more difficult task than it sounds - Ryou uses a LOT of butter when it comes to crumpets.  
  
Yarik throws various things out of the fridge onto the floor, mostly things he doesn't like. Such as eggs. Which makes no sense, because they weren't even in the way.  
  
Joey finds a carrot, and Yarik takes it off him, before gazing at it with a pathetic expression on his face. And then eating it. Joey is confused, but thinks it better not to ask.  
  
Ryou rolls his eyes, shaking his head. He dumps the plate in the sink, wipes the butter off his face, before grabbing me and dragging me into the living room. Not before Yarik wails at us, though.  
  
"If you're going up to your room to fuck, let the rest of us come too! It's not fair to leave us out!"  
  
"Yarik, as much fun as a sevensome sounds, shut the fuck up and get some breakfast."  
  
Joey snorts at this. Somehow, I don't think he'd want to be included.  
  
"You're evil," Yarik responds, before I'm hit in the forehead by a well-aimed flying carrot, point first. It actually quite hurt - my vision flashed. Was about to lunge at him, but Ryou tugged at the neck of my shirt and made me choke, which quite definitely distracted me.   
  
Yami and Yugi are playing on the GameCube, on a racing game. Don't bother to pay much attention here. I'm more concerned with the fact that Marik is on the computer, toying with that photo he took with Ryou's digital camera.  
  
"Cool photo," Ryou comments. Glad to know at least ONE of us is happy with being unwittingly photographed. Marik toys around with it some more. It's now tinted blue. How odd. It looks okay though.  
  
"I was bored," Marik responds, sniffing. "Can't have a decent conversation with Yarik, he won't shut up about sex."  
  
So, Yarik thinks HE needs sex? He hasn't spent five thousand years trapped in a lump of metal.   
  
In fact, Yarik's origins hurt my brain. At least I know mine, Yarik just kind of... appeared out of nothingness. Well, not quite, but I don't know the story so that's all I've got to go on. Either way, Yarik's not been around for even a tiny fraction of the time I have. And he thinks he can rival me in sexual frustration? Sure, he's more vocal, but...  
  
Holy shit, what the hell's wrong with me? I'm being competetive over how long I've gone without sex. That is just wrong. It's nothing to be proud of. Dammit! Yarik's WINNING in this situation!  
  
I've drifted again.  
  
Marik tweaking his little photo is boring. I turn my attention to Yami and Yugi's game. Yugi's just lost. What a surprise.   
  
"You know what that means, aibou," Yami says, smirking.  
  
"Of course I do, why else would I have taken on that bet?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"It means I don't have to do ALL the work tonight! It gets a little exhausting after a while."  
  
Well now, I wonder what they're talking about? It could be to do with chores, but most likely it's a case of who fucks who.  
  
I know who fucks who in my case. Unless Ryou tries the sneaky "I wanna be dominant" trick again, like he did last night.  
  
Speaking of which, I've just had a thought.  
  
"Yugi," I growl. "Were you and Ryou by any chance plotting against me last night?"  
  
"Maybe," is the annoyingly simple reply I get. "It's none of your business, is it?"  
  
I was right. Now, I must figure out how to respond - I'm not going to destroy my pride by saying thanks. Sure, he technically got me and Ryou together, but I should have figured it out sooner, and that pisses me off.  
  
"You made Ryou grope me!"  
  
"I did not grope you!" Ryou hisses. ... well, I suppose he didn't. I nudged him before he got that far. But he still gave me the hand job.  
  
I glare at him. He is unfazed. He's used to my glaring now. He's become immunised. Which means he turns back and looks at what Marik's doing.   
  
He got rid of the blue tinting and played with the lighting. I have to admit, it looks pretty good.  
  
"Ooh, what's that?" Yugi asks, leaning over to see. I hit him on the head because he changed the subject, resulting in a fair amount of pain as Yami his me in response.  
  
"Don't you DARE hit my aibou, Tomb Robber!" Yami yells, seething, before yelping and quickly moving out of the way when Joey dashes through the living room like a scared rabbit.  
  
"He tried to rape me!" he pants.  
  
"He was probably only teasing," Marik responds, in a bored tone. I agree with him. Joey just has a tendency to over-react.  
  
"He was trying to..."  
  
"Joey, shut up," Marik sighs, before wasting yet another perfectly good tissue. "There, Ryou, can't be bothered to play with it anymore, I need food."  
  
"It looks great!" Ryou chirps, happily. "Bakura looks cute!"  
  
"I am NOT CUTE!" I yell. Instant reaction. I regret it when everyone laughs at me. Well, I'm NOT cute. I'm sexy. Big difference. Sexy means sex, cute means hugs and kisses. Ryou manages to be both. I have no idea how, but I don't care.  
  
"Can I do something with this?" Ryou asks. "I have this girl online that keeps harassing me. Thought she'd like to know I'm gay. Well, okay, bi, but she doesn't know that."  
  
Ah, so he's bi. I knew he couldn't be completely gay. He reads yuri. Might ask him if he reads yaoi later. He might have found some inspiring lemons.  
  
I wonder if he writes them? That would be interesting.  
  
Now, my attention must move back to whatever it is Ryou's planning to do with Marik's photo.  
  
"Yeah, sure, I'm going to get some cereal or something," Marik replies, getting up and heading for the kitchen. Which will most likely lead to a make out session with Yarik. He shuts the door behind him. That's a little strange. Oh well.  
  
Ryou sits himself down, and opens up AIM. He sends a message to someone. Stalker thing.  
  
"Hey, Llewellyn."  
  
A pause for a moment.  
  
"so, freind, do you still hate me for no apparant reason?"  
  
"I've told you and told you, I have a good enough reason."  
  
"you still haven't shown me the evidence. You just wanted to get rid of me so you could go out with that other girl."  
  
"I've shown you the evidence! You're just too blind to SEE it!"  
  
"maybe because its non existant?"  
  
"Besides, there wasn't another girl."  
  
"you're lying. I hate it when you lie."  
  
"No, seriously, there was no other girl. Because, quite frankly, I just so happen to be gay. Would you like to see a picture of me and my boyfriend?"  
  
No reply.  
  
I nudge Ryou. "She... he, it knows me. I've been talking to her. Thinks I'm a girl called Hikari Yami."  
  
Ryou looks a bit surprised. I see that when Yugi was conspiring with him he didn't bring this up. Hm... I wonder if the fact I came to Ryou's defence made him think I liked him? Nope, must block this thought, having to thank stalker-thing is not good. It does not deserve a thanks. It deserves to be pushed off a cliff and have seagulls peck at the bloody remains that scatter in a delightful mess on impact with the rocks.  
  
And I shall join them in their feast.  
  
"You told her you were a girl?" he asks.  
  
"No. I told her I wasn't a lesbian."  
  
Ryou groans, and types another message.  
  
"You know him. But from what I gather, you don't know him as a him. Do you know a Hikari Yami?"  
  
"of course, she's one of my closest friends. or was. yet another person who's tossed me into the garbage heap. you mean she's a guy? the amount of dishonest people in the world is truly, truly saddening."  
  
I snort at this. "Dishonest? Hah, and this thing has no gender!"  
  
Another confused expression from Ryou. "Uh...?"  
  
I elaborate. Smirking, of course, since I find this highly amusing. "She, or as I like to call her, IT, has been changing its gender depending on who it's talking to. It's pretending to be a guy with me."  
  
His eyes widen in shock. Growling, he types faster.  
  
"And I hear you've been twisting your gender too."  
  
"why are people spreading these rumors about me? i thought that you would be more inteligent than to beleive these lies, Soda."  
  
Ryou opens up a program which I don't recognise, but is called FTP explorer (what the hell is FTP?) and does something with Marik's saved photo. Then he links to it. Apparently this FTP thing uploads stuff.   
  
"Here's a photo of me and my boyfriend that a friend took this morning."  
  
Another pause.   
  
"he's your brother, isn't he? you're going to your big brother for defence? how pathetic."  
  
"He's not my brother. We just look alike. I also assure you that he is quite sadistic. He would love nothing more than to inflict a world of pain on you."  
  
Very, very true.  
  
Stalker-thing doesn't reply.  
  
"He's also an Ancient Egyptian spirit that's lived in a piece of gold for 5000 years. You know that pendant around my chara's neck? It looks just like that."   
  
Now, what are the chances of stalker-thing believing THAT, I wonder?  
  
"lol. and your saying i lie?"  
  
"Your lies are just about as obvious."  
  
No reply.  
  
"Quite frankly Llewellyn, I don't care anymore. This has gone on far too long."  
  
No reply. Yarik and Marik return, Marik looking like he's just battled against a storm. His hair is everywhere, stuck to his face with either water or sweat. This is suspicious. I should check the kitchen for any bodily fluids. For all I know, Yarik could have sucked him off or something in there.  
  
Ryou carries on typing.   
  
"All I have to say is... I won. I know I'm in the right. All my friends know I'm in the right. Even some complete and total strangers know I'm in the right. And on top of that, I have my boyfriend. I'd say something rather cliché right now, like how he's the best boyfriend ever for helping me defend myself against you, but he'd probably attack me with something sharp and pointy. And tonight, I'm getting laid, so screw you. Get a life beyond the internet, it'll do you a world of good."  
  
And then another block was set up, with Ryou looking very satisfied. He doesn't do anything then, other than bounce in the chair.  
  
"So, can we go fuck now?" Yarik asks, breaking the silence and earning fierce glares from Yami, Joey, and Marik.  
  
"Go shove a carrot up your ass," Marik snaps, angrily.  
  
"But I ate all the carrots!"  
  
"Then use a cucumber."  
  
"I ate that, too!"  
  
Yugi grins at me. I only resist the urge to kill him because I owe him. "Aren't you going to thank me?" he asks.  
  
"I think not killing you is good enough," I reply, lifting Ryou into my arms to annoy him. It works, judging from the glare I get.  
  
"Put me down, Bakura," he growls. I do so. Because he's heavy. Don't let the fact he looks like a bloody stick deceive you.  
  
As Ryou grumbles in annoyance and loads up a fanfiction site, I lean against the wall and plan how my night with Ryou is going to go. Well, he DID say he was getting laid tonight. I don't think it would be FAIR if that turned out to be a false hope.  
  
Besides, it's about time. My mind wanders in anticipation. Hmm... Ryou tied up in ribbons the colour of fresh blood...   
  
THE END 


End file.
